vendredi 9 septembre 2011

Alice Needham's Guide to the 26 Things that aren't Shriv

There are some things, nay, MANY things in life, especially modern life, that are shriv. For those of you who are not familiar with this word, allow me to explain: It is short for shrivel. And imagine, if you will, how a person would look if they were to shrivel. Not completely, mind you, I mean not like a vegetable shrivelling up but like a reversible shrivel, more like an exaggerated cringe. It's the sort of movement you'd make if someone did something really gauche, or something.

Here are some examples of things that I find shriv:

a. Offensive significant others e.g. "Oh she's cool but her bf's a nob. Shriv".

b. Bad clothing e.g. "I went to this lesbian bar and I saw so many pairs of shrvvy badly-fitting jeans"

c. Things that are overdone e.g. "omg how shriv that e4 is still showing Friends!"

d. General twattiness e.g. "My parents are total shrivs"

e. Inappropriateness e.g. "I fancy my friend's chick. I'm shriv"

f. "Immaturity e.g. "MySpace style photos are shriv to the max"

g. Social ineptitude e.g. "The girl just stood there gawping incredulously. What a shrivver"

h. Rudeness e.g. "The bouncers at Mission are shriv as fuck, they never crack a smile!"

Ok, more will probably come to me but for now there you have, the words "shriv" and variations thereof have wide usage. I will now attempt to explain what, in my book, constitutes not being shriv.

1. Having a nice drink in your own company.

2. Avoiding taking taxis unless absolutely necessary.

3. Shaking hands when you meet new people.

4. Not being a "headfuck".

5. Coronation Street.

6. Having a foreign significant other.

7. France.

8. Being indiscriminate in your hatred.

9. Showing emotion.

10. Gay dating sites.

11. Avoiding the majority of gay stereotypes.

12. Shorts.

13. The female moustache.

14. Grinning like a Cheshire cat whenever necessary or not particularly necessary.

15. Always appearing online on Facebook chat.

16. The 80s.

17. Watering down whole milk to make it semi-skimmed and save £.

18. Crying to get out of things e.g. missing your train.

19. Running for public transport.

20. Using a bit of your hair as a comedy moustache from time to time and to break awkward silences.

21. Appreciating fash and using particularly good magazine advertisments as wallpaper / wrapping paper.

22. Adidas sportswear.

23. Talking openly about who you fancy to everyone who'll listen / withstand.

24. Automatically disliking things that people you hate like.

25. Making fun of people who deserve it.

26. CHALLENGING people's expectations.

So folks, if you can hand-on-heart say that you conform to 16 or more of these, I'd say you're probably not shriv.

Any thoughts feel free to bang 'em on the commentz.


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